Promiscuous -- Synonym: Loose

Hot come on: I can see you with my t-shirt on.

Lousy comeback: I can see you with nothing on.

Somewhere in the space between easy wit and blatant posturing rests the single of my summer (so far), a sparring of the sexes as fun and troubling as any we've seen since Girl Power went out of vogue.

I wonder, does Timbaland have any kids? Because he's sure better at being carefree than dear mama Nelly.

Indignities

In my life as a witness to the mass catharsis of live music, I have:

--almost lost my then-teenage brother to a faulty folding chair at an Iron Maiden concert
-- dodged spit actually aimed at Joan Jett
-- had my Swiss Army knife confiscated at hip hop shows at Tramps (RIP) in NYC
-- stood for a half hour watching a roving chorus of men shouting "show us your tits" hone in on various "willing" victims at a Metallica-Slipknot double bill
-- wished I had a surgical mask to ward off the dust, like the kids did, at Warped Tour
-- waded through sewage-scented mud at the Guinness Fleadh
-- been the only person in the room to not "hold hands for Jesus" at a Kirk Franklin revival
-- propped my eyes open until nearly 7 a.m. at an all-night raga concert
-- been covered in beer by Allman Brothers fans
-- watched a middle-aged couple have sex in public while Lucinda Williams played
-- been told by a totally trashed cast member of my favorite TV show, Oz, that I had better give his friend Schooly D a good review
-- lost at least a quarter of my hearing

And yet the other night represented a low. Yes, friends: I have had my eye nearly gouged out by a margarita-fueled woman's cowboy hat at a Kenny Chesney show.

Here I am

Ten observations about L.A.:

1. White people do not generally know Spanish. Chicanos almost all know English. Until I get a tutor, I am part of this shame.

2. I was warned repeatedly that the women here would have perfect bodies; it's not true. In fact, many are a bit chubby, perhaps because of the need for large breasts. That is real. I have noticed many freaks of supernature walking around with shelves attached to their upper torsos. This does not look attractive. It looks uncomfortable.

3. For a hot place, pastrami sure is popular.

4. The prevalent mode of dressing, male and female, is tacky, highly decorated, and too tight. I fit right in.

5. In n Out Burger: truly delicious, especially at 10 p.m on a Saturday night when you have to be at the club by 10:30.

6. Shows here start pretty early. I'd been told by my pal Sally that the deal is, so many industry folk live here and they all want to see the artist and get back home in time to sleep and get up and take their health hikes in the morning. Sally, I'm so glad.

7. Working moms here really work. At our old day care, I always ended up collecting BB pretty late (justification: we rockers always brought her in two hours later than everyone else), and there she'd be, sitting forlorn by herself with her Dixie cup of Cheerios. Now, I show up at six and the place is bustling with assistant D.A.'s and gals who work for the water bureau. Sing it, kids: "my mom's a feminist, and I understand...."

8. Rich people shop at Gelson's. The boho set shops at Trader Joe's (of course!). The genuine working class goes to Von's. Ralphs -- it depends on the neighborhood. Whole Foods is strictly for the lucky, down here.

9. Real estate brokers are today's true poets. Their sense of metaphor is profound. Did you know "Zen Retreat" means you'd better not own anything, because it won't fit? Or that "Venerable Seclusion" means that you'll climb a hundred stairs to get to your front door? I still haven't figured out what "Pride of Ownership" means, but it seems to have something to do with moldings.

10. The words "chill out" can be uttered in a very hostile way.

Hey, if you wanna read my return to full-on rockcrit mode, check me here.

Peace out, for now.